Like a new pair of glasses, but better
by AlexTheRoyal
Summary: Thanks to a cosmic fuck-up, I wake up in Sasuke's body. Now I have to deal with two sets of memories AND deadly ninjas. (Self Insert, not to be taken seriously) (M for language and mature themes, no lemons)
1. The best part of waking up!

Chapter 1: The best part of waking up, is PTSD in your cup!

I groaned as I rolled around in bed, stretching a bit. I couldn't remember what happened last night but it must have been something big. My everything felt like it had just been run through a wood chipper, stuffed into a small box, and run over by a soccer mom repeatedly in her SUV as she talked on her cellphone about global warming and how great she was for separating paper from plastic.

I kept my eyes shut and made myself comfortable. My alarm hadn't gone off yet, so that meant I managed to wake up early. I always loved waking up before my alarm, it was like finding an extra $20 in your wallet that you didn't know was there. I would have loved to lounge about a bit more if it weren't for the fact that I came to a rather disturbing realization.

These aren't my sheets.

My eyes shot open and revealed that not only was this not my bed, but this wasn't my house. Ok, don't panic! Don't panic! Nothing to worry about, there's nothing to worry about! Wow, did I always breathe this loud, or this fast?

Sitting up in bed I looked around the room rapidly. This room was weird. I mean, there was a very obvious Asian-ish design choice to the room, but that's not what was weird. What was weird was that everything looked like it had been made about twice as large as it normally would have. The walls were far too tall, and the doors were much taller than normal to match them. However the nearby desk was also rather large, and even the bed I was laying in was big enough to fit me without my feet hanging off or bumping my head on the headboard like normal.

_'Ok,'_ I thought to myself, getting out of bed as quietly as I could _'either you're __having one of__ those 'I went to heaven, and this is what I saw' experiences or you have been kidnapped by a giant, a weeb, or a giant weeb. Not _that_ kind of giant weeb!'_

I focused on breathing slowly, calmly, that was supposed to help with anxiety right? I think I read that in a book somewhere. I made my way to what I assumed was the bathroom. This may not be the best time for it, but I had to pee really bad. Just like every morning. Pissing yourself wasn't exactly the best way to put on a strong face in front of your captor. If he/she ever show up. You know for being kidnapped I was allowed a lot of freedom, I always expected there to be more chains involved for some reason.

Once I finished relieving myself I went to the sink, I washed my hands and turned to leave but I caught a glimpse of something in the mirror. Something that looked very different than it should have. I stared into the mirror, black eyes turning red, with 2 little tomoe marks swirling around the pupils. A flood of memories rushed into my mind. Memories that weren't mine, or were they? Itachi. Mom, dad, he killed them. He made me watch. Over and over again. In the hellscape of the Tsukyomi. He killed all of them. My family.

Some cosmic fuck-up had occurred. My soul had been uprooted and placed inside the body of Uchiha Sasuke. I was 12 years old. I was now an official genin of Konoha. I had just passed the academy exam yesterday, and I needed to report the academy to get my team assignment in a few hours. As these memories filled me, became a part of me, the hate and anguish became a part of me as well. The soul-crushing loneliness weighed heavy on me, knowing I was the last of my clan. No wonder Sasuke had been such an emo little twat in canon. This dude needed a therapist. I looked into the mirror and spoke aloud to myself, wondering just one thing.

"Why the fuck am I still white?"

Author's Notes

Shoutout to u/Raesong from reddit for issuing this little challenge. For anyone who's worried I'll ditch my other fic for this, don't. "Uzumaki Naruto: Patriarch of Ash" is the priority, and I won't be taking this one NEARLY as seriously. I'm not even going to waste my beta's time with it, I'm just shipping it raw. It's gonna be a fun side project I work on for kicks and giggles. I've never done a self-insert story before and am immensely uncomfortable writing in the first person, so please bear with me. However, the best way to get better at something is to do it, so here I am.

Future chapters will be longer, this is just a setup.


	2. Only my first day

Chapter 2: This is only my first day and I'm already losing my shit.

The following hours after my revelation had been hectic. I had absolutely _no idea_ where I was, or where anything else was in relation to me. On the other hand, I knew exactly where I was, and where everything else was. I lived here after all. Except I didn't! The two conflicting memories of knowing this place like the back of my hand and only having seen it on a computer screen were giving me a headache.

After getting dressed and ready, I finally worked up the courage to step outside the castle that Sasuke called home, that _I_ called home, and into the Uchiha compound. Many of the homes were in disrepair. Nothing major, it hadn't been long since the massacre, but enough to let you know that this was a ghost town.

Why hadn't Sasuke started renting any of these places out? As the "Last Uchiha" all known possessions that belonged to the Uchiha were rightfully mine. Holy shit, I must be loaded! Searching "my" memories I realized that yes, I'm loaded! Why was I so upset with Itachi? He had effectively given me _billions_ of ryo!

_"Because he made you watch helplessly as he killed everyone you'd ever loved._" I thought to myself… Ok, so I had _some_ reasons to be a little pissed off, but it's best to look at the silver lining with these things!

After a few minutes of walking the familiar/unfamiliar streets of the Uchiha district, I entered into Konohagakure proper. It shocked me just how _bright_ everything was. Not just the building, but the trees too. Even the dirt road looked like a richer shade of brown. I reached a hand up to adjust my glasses, only to remember that I don't _need_ glasses anymore. I had magic eyeballs thanks to the Uchiha clan's long history of selective breeding. Thanks, eugenics!

Arriving at the academy I opened the door and walked into my classroom. No one was there. It appears as though in my haste to not be late on my first day in a new universe, I had shown up a bit early. That was ok, I was a patient guy, I would just pull out my phone and-

Shit… no phone, they barely have computers here, right? Even those are like late 90s style computers. Actually what year _was _it here? I searched "my" memory again and… nothing. What? They didn't have a year? That couldn't be right, could it? How would they make contracts? How would they notarize documents? How would they… _date_ something?

The door to the classroom slid open and Iruka walked in. "You're early Sasuke, you get too excited? Hehe!" Iruka laughed to himself. He looked good for a man that had just been stabbed by a giant shuriken the night before. Hmm, I needed to think of a way to ask him what year it was without appearing suspicious.

"Good morning Iruka-sensei," I said with a warm smile, trying to appear as normal as possible. "I woke up early and decided to come straight here. It wouldn't do for a student to be late to his own graduation after all. If I have habits like that I'll never make chuunin. Actually, I was wondering, what year did you become a chuunin sensei?"

Iruka looked at me with eyes the size of dinner plates. "Holy cow, you really _must_ be excited. I think that's the most I've heard you talk since you entered my classroom! And is that a smile? Oh, uhh, when did I make chuunin? Well I'm 22 now, and I made chuunin at 16. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get promoted faster than I did!"

_'Shit!_' I cursed to myself. I'm Sasuke. I'm _SASUKE_. I wasn't supposed to start conversations and make idle chit-chat! I was supposed to… brood and simmer, or something. Like a cup of coffee. I hated coffee!

I nodded and sat back in my seat, letting out a soft "Hn." as was probably expected of me. I hated the stereotype, but 'hn' was a universal enough sound that I could probably get out of a lot by using it. I wouldn't be able to keep up the 'stoic-emo-avenger-prettyboy' shtick forever, but I would need to at least slow the transition so people didn't notice too much.

In other news, Iruka's answer to my question didn't help at all. I had asked what year he was promoted, and he simply gave me his current age and when he was promoted. Was that just how Iruka felt like answering my question or did they really not count the year? I never thought the thing I would miss most about my past life were the words 'Anno Domini.'

The rest of the students trickled into the classroom over the next several minutes. I recognized many of the faces. Kiba, Hinata, Shikamaru- _Ino and Sakura._ Holy shit, I had been relatively calm, but seeing them both waltz in and suddenly look at me filled me with an intense sense of primal disgust. It was like someone had just shoved their dog's fresh shit into my face and told me to breath deep.

That was one hell of a reaction. I didn't mind Sakura that much, or rather I _used_ to not mind Sakura. Sasuke's disgust for her was almost incomprehensible to me. Both of them sat near me and began chattering about things in such a shrill voice that it made my head hurt. I had the almost unbearable urge to beat both of them to death with my bare hands. One of them just spoke to me, I didn't know which, and I didn't know what she said. Neither did I care.  
"Hn." I replied, trying to maintain my cool.

Just as the urge to forcibly shut the girls up was about to overwhelm me a blessing burst through the door. Loud enough to silence both of the banshees.

"WHAT'S UP, BITCHES! I'M A _FUCKING_ NINJA!" The heavenly voice rang throughout the building.

Opening the eyes I didn't realize I had closed, I looked over to the sound of the angel that saved me and saw Naruto. Standing loud and proud. His messy blond hair flowed brilliantly, being held up by his hitai-ate. His bright blue eyes pierced the room, sparkling in the way that only his could. Even the orange jacket fit him well. Of course, there were the whiskers marks too. The adorable whiskers marks that highlighted his sunkissed skin ever so subtly. I wanted to go to him, to touch him, to run my fingers through his hair and-

no

No

NO

_NO_

_NO!_

_NO!_

SASUKE IS FUCKING GAY FOR NARUTO! ABORT! ABORT! FALL BACK! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

A new wave of memories flooded my mind of the** (cute) **blond. He was the forbidden fruit. Shunned by the villagers for some reason I couldn't understand. Alone, just like me. We could share the lonely nights and make them not so lonely. Yet alas, forsooth, t'was not to be. For verily 'tis my duty to reproduce and replenish the Uchiha clan.

I was wrong, Sasuke didn't need a therapist. He needed a whole _team_ of therapists, dedicated _just_ to him. Ok, remain calm. Sasuke is gay, and you are Sasuke, but that doesn't mean that _you_ are gay. You are a new Sasuke, you don't have to like what old-Sasuke liked.

"NARUTO IT'S RUDE TO YELL, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Iruka screamed at his favorite student.

"B-but you just yelled louder than I did?" Naruto pouted, slightly confused, before sitting down.

Iruka looked through some of the papers on his desk and frowned. "Darn, these aren't the updated team listings. I'll be right back, sorry about this everyone." He mumbled, getting up and leaving the room.

I glared at Ino as she spoke up the moment Iruka left. "How did you manage to graduate Naruto? You're the class screw-up and you failed the test!" She asked.

**(How, DARE she speak to Naruto-kun like that! That whore! I'll-)**

Wow, I had always assumed Sasuke was rather emotionless, but apparently, his emotions were dialed up to 11 all the time and he was just really good at hiding it. It didn't matter, I was in charge here, not Sasuke's memories. I could control myself. This is probably because whatever cosmic body-swap I went through only just occurred. I'll hopefully mellow out as time goes on.

Sakura spoke as well, comparing Naruto to me and saying he wasn't as good or something. I was caught up in my own thoughts so I wasn't paying attention. That is until Naruto climbed up onto my desk and squatted down, looking at me.

Wait… it was the kiss! This was the kiss! What do I do! A part of me wanted to do nothing, and let it happen. Another part of me called that first part an idiot and that I should run before I get kissed by a dude!

"Woah, sorry man, didn't mean to bump you there!" The kid in the row in front of me said as he pushed Naruto towards me.

Thankfully I was prepared, leaning back as quickly as I could, Naruto didn't kiss me. Instead, he tumbled forward and landed face first into my lap. It wasn't sexual at all though, in fact, it hurt like hell. I swear if this** (beautiful)** asshole just broke one of my nuts I'm gonna kill him.

"OW! FUCK!" I screamed in pain. The entire classroom snapped there head to me and their eyes grew wide.

Ok, so that was definitely a very non-Sasuke like thing to do. Of course, these were extraneous circumstances. Hopefully, they wouldn't look into it too much.

"Ok, I'm back and-" Iruka paused at the scene. Naruto was still face-first in my crotch and there was a crowd of girls surrounding us, all looking very angry. Iruka took a deep breath and counted down from ten. "It's my last day teaching you. I'm not gonna care...I am _not_ going to care. Everyone, please have a seat and I will read out your names and what team you'll be on!"

(⌐▨_▨) ← This means scene-jump

The team placements went exactly as they did in canon. Ino-shika-cho, Hinata was with Kiba and Shino. Etc.

Also just like in canon, Kakashi was late. I didn't mind, I wasn't entirely sure I could stand up at the moment. My left ball still hurt like a bitch.

Naruto looked bored and frowned to himself before getting one of his goofy grins on his face. Standing up from where he was sitting he walked over to the whiteboard and grabbed one of the erasers. Walking over to the door in an exaggeratedly stealthy fashion he reached up and stuck the eraser in the top of the door in such a way so that anyone who walked in would get hit on the head with it.

"Naruto, what are you doing? It'd be rude to prank our jounin sensei before we even properly meet him!" Sakura whined in an octave that was not befitting of a human being.

I couldn't tell if her voice was actually annoying, or if Sasuke's memories were coloring my observation. It must be Sasuke's memories. I remember liking Sakura in the show, sure she wasn't the best character, but she got more flak than I felt she deserved. Admittedly however I hadn't watched the show in years. I remember not liking how she treated Naruto, but it came off as worse because her abuse of him was used as a sort of comic relief.

"Ne, Sakura-chan, c'mon! It'll be funny! Besides, if he can' t even detect a simple prank like this, then he isn't deserving of being the sensei to the future Hokage!" Naruto proclaimed happily.

I hid a smirk as best I could. If I remembered correctly, right about now 'Inner-Sakura' was pumping her fist about how much she loved this type of stuff. 'Normal-Sakura' on the other hand gave me a nervous glance, clearly trying to judge how I had received her actions. I tried to hide a scowl, she was a sycophant and I hated it. Or rather, my memories said she was a sycophant and that hated it.

"Hello, every-" Kakashi tried to speak as he poked his head into the room, but stopped when he felt the eraser fall on top of his hair with a soft sound.

"Aaaaahahahaha! We got you sensei!" Naruto laughed loudly, sitting down on a chair and pointing at Kakashi.

"Forgive us Kakashi-sensei, this was all Naruto's idea." Sakura said with a bow.

The way she instantly sold out her teammate for the smallest modicum of credibility with a stranger was troubling to me. I wouldn't be able to trust her with much. Especially not the 'I'm an inter-dimensional body thief that stole your crush's life' type information. Then again I wasn't planning on telling anyone about that anyway, but it was good to know that, with her, the decision was justified. Kakashi blinked at us before dusting some of the chalk-dust off his head and standing tall.

"Hmmm, let's see..." He began. "My first impression of you guys? I hate you."

I winced slightly, that hurt a surprising amount. I knew for a fact that it was me this time because the old-Sasuke part of me was telling me his opinion wasn't relevant so long as he trained us. It wasn't a big deal, he was just being a hard-ass because we hadn't passed the bell test yet. No used getting attached to students you might not take. I'd grow on him.

"Meet me on the roof in five minutes for a proper introduction." He commanded before jumping out the window and vanishing in a gust of leaves.

Without a word I stood and made my way out of the classroom. Climbing the stairs quickly I heard Naruto and Sakura quickly following behind me.

"Sasuke-kun, wait up!" Sakura cried out, I didn't pay attention.

We were just going upstairs, she could catch up if she wanted. I didn't want to be rude to her, but I didn't want to be too friendly or else she might think I liked her. I mean I _did_ like her, but not like that. While me and Sasuke's memories disagreed on whether or not Sakura was a literal piece of shit that learned to talk, we agreed that a romantic relationship with her was not going to happen. I was trapped inside a ninja world and needed to focus on the whole "not dying" thing. Sasuke may have had plot-armor in the show, but I highly doubted whatever cosmic being stuck me here was going to be as sentimental as Kishimoto was.

Once on the roof, I took a seat on the steps that were conveniently in front of where Kakashi was leaning against the railing, followed quickly by my other two teammates.

"Well then, why don't you guys start with an introduction? Y'know, likes and dislikes, stuff like that." He yawned nonchalantly.

"Hey, shouldn't you start us off?" Naruto asked, "Since you're like, the sensei and stuff?" Sakura nodded with him, but then turned from Naruto and me to check that I didn't notice she agreed with Naruto on something.

"I start? Yeah, sure. My name is Hatake Kakashi. I like some stuff, and I don't like other stuff. I don't feel like telling you what my dreams are. As for hobbies, uhhh, I have some I guess. Ok, you next." He said, pointing to Naruto.

"Hey, my name's Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto began, as energetic as ever, not at all put off by the bizarre mood Kakashi set. "I like ramen! I like ramen that Iruka-sensei gets me even more! I dislike waiting for my ramen to cook! My hobby is to eat ramen, and my dream…" Naruto stood up then with a giant grin as he gave Kakashi a thumbs-up. "Is to become the ULTIMATE Hokage!" He shouted as loud as he could.

Wow, _may be hot_, but he, but he sure is annoying sometimes. Kakashi seemed to agree with me as he simply cocked his head slightly and raised his one visible eyebrow.

"Riiiiight, and you?" He asked, pointing to Sakura.

"My name is Haruno Sakura, the thing I like is… or rather the person I like is..." She paused.

She's looking at me, isn't she? I can feel it. Don't look, don't look, don't look.

"A-and my d-dream is to..."

Damnit I looked!

"Eeeeeeeek~" She shrieked. To say she squealed like a schoolgirl would be an insult to schoolgirls everywhere. She shrieked like a dying cat with a megaphone. Man, I forgot how bad Sakura was during the beginning of the show. I knew she was capable of more, but I didn't know how to push her in the right direction right now.

"And the thing you dislike?" Kakashi asked hesitantly.

"Naruto!" She answered quickly.

Fuck it, I take it back! She can burn for all I care! How dare she-… Remain calm, I am in control, not Sasuke. Even though I _am_ Sasuke. I suppressed a frown at the sight of a heartbroken Naruto looking down at the ground. Poor guy, I would need to** take him out on a date** do something nice for him later.

"And up last, we have the Last Uchiha." Kakashi said with a smile, looking at me.

_Oof_, that hurt. It was obvious he had intended the nickname as a sort of honorific title. Like I was supposed to take pride in the fact that I was the Last Uchiha. I was suddenly reminded of many such occasions where my status as the only living heir of the Uchiha name was meant to bring me pride. Instead, it brought only painful memories.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke," I began, giving my best 'aloof emo-kid' impression. "I like peace and quiet. I dislike loud people that focus on unimportant things. I don't really have a hobby, and my dream is to-" I paused, what should I say? Old-Sasuke's dream may have been to kill Itachi, but not me-Sasuke. Shit, I need to say something now, I've already paused too long. Something edgy! "I don't have dreams anymore, just nightmares."

Nailed it! Sakura looks super sad for me, and Kakashi is giving me a pondering look! Naruto is looking at me like I just spoke gobbledygook, however.

"That's not the type of dream we're talking about Sasuke. He meant like what's your goal, not what goes on in your head when you fall asleep." Naruto tried to correct me. "Don't worry, you can go again."

Oh, that **(****beautiful)** idiot. He still hated my guts right now, but here he was trying to correct me and thinking he was going to help me save face.

"We understand what he meant Naruto, don't worry about it." Kakashi said before Sakura could correct Naruto. "Well then, now that that's over with, I think it's time that I inform you about the final test." Kakashi announced with a smile hidden behind his mask.

"Huh? What do you mean 'final test?'" Naruto asked. "We already passed the last test, I even got a cool hitai-ate, see! Official ninja!"

Kakashi shook his head and explained the situation to Naruto and Sakura, he was playing up the dangers of failure, but I already knew all this so I zoned out. Thinking about my new situation.

Apparently, the fact that I was still white wasn't a big deal, seeing as nobody freaked out. It was strange though, Sasuke's memories have him as being white, but with the rest of his family being asian. Was this some sort of continuity shift going on to make me fit into the universe? I still had a distinct knowledge that I looked like Sasuke, but I was also white. I knew nothing about how I got here or why I ended up inside Sasuke, but that wasn't going to stop me from hypothesizing.

I knew Sasuke's memories could warp my perception, but maybe my memories were too? I remember being white, therefore I perceive myself as being white? That may be it, but there was no way to test it, what would I do, just ask _'hey, do you know what race I am?'_ to a stranger? Yeah, that wouldn't look weird at all. Was race just randomized in the Naruto world? That may be a possibility with how screwy kekkei genkai and genetics worked.

Do asian people see other asians as being white, and white people as looking asian? Is this some weird 'you can never truly understand the mind of another person' nonsense? Like, how my 'green' may not look like your 'green' but because we can't see through each other's eyes we'll never know? Except instead of colors it was like, races and shit? I dunno, that sounded kinda fucked up. Like, I couldn't put a finger on _why_ but it just sounded vaguely racist. whatever, apparently nobody here cared what race who was, so I shouldn't either.

Oh shit, Kakashi was talking to me.

"So, make sure you don't eat, or else you'll throw up." He smirked evilly, before re-adopting his aloof attitude. "See you tomorrow at 6 AM, training ground 3… buh-bye!" He chuckled before falling backward off the railing and down to the street. Naruto and Sakura gasped running over to check to see if he was ok, but I knew he would be gone already. Probably laughing his ass off.

"Well then, I'll see you two tomorrow." I said as I left to go home. I was exhausted. The rush of memories and emotions was enough to put me on the verge of passing out.

"Wait, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura shouted after me before I could get too far away. I paused and turned around, waiting for her to continue. "Do you want to eat lunch with me? I figured since we're on the same team now and all..." She trailed off.

I suppressed a groan. I was tired, but I didn't want to maintain the same douchebag attitude that old-Sasuke had had. I looked over to Naruto, who was watching from the sidelines with an expression I couldn't quite place.

"As like, a team-building thing? I don't see why not. Naruto, where do you wanna eat?" I asked. I knew that bringing Naruto along was _not_ part of Sakura's plan, but I was going to pretend to not realize that. There was no way I was going on a date with Sakura. I could be her friend, but her personality isn't my type anyway.

Also she's 12.

The weird hybrid of me and old-Sasuke's memores made me slightly more ok with the idea of thinking she was cute, but my original memories still told me that the only cure for pedophilia was seppuku. I had distinct memories of turning 12 a few months ago, but I also had memories of going to college. We could be close friends and, maybe in a few years, I could date a girl 'my age,' but not right now. **(Unless it was Naruto, in which case fuck social norms.)** Shit, I really need to get a handle on Sasuke's emotions better.

"What? You want me to go with you?" Naruto asked with a look halfway between shock and elation.

"Only if you keep your mouth shut, but what's the point of team-building if it doesn't include the entire team?" I explained, trying to ignore the gloomy aura Sakura was giving off, she clearly hadn't intended to bring Naruto along. Bitch.

"Yeah, sure! Hey, we could go get some ramen from Ichiraku's! I have a couple of coupons I could share!" He offered, blushing slightly and rubbing the back of his head.

He was willing to share his coupons with us? Holy cow, Naruto really was a **(sexy little minx) **good guy. I knew he was struggling with money, both from my memories of canon and old-Sasuke's memories. Yet he was willing to help us pay for our meals?

"That won't be necessary, it's my treat." I said, glad I had the wealth of the entire Uchiha clan behind me. "I've never been to Ichiraku's before though, so why don't you lead the way?"

"Woohoo! Let's go get some ramen!" Naruto yelled before getting up and leading the way to his favorite restaurant. I'm sure he would be suspicious of me offering to pay for his meal if he hadn't been so excitable.

"You coming Sakura? This was your idea after all." I asked, Sakura stood frozen and I could practically see the smoke coming from her ears as her brain worked overtime to comprehend what just happened. She _didn't_ want to go on a "team-building" exercise with Naruto, but she wanted to go with me.

"Y-yeah, wait for me Sasuke-kun!"

(⌐▨_▨)

I quietly packed some bentos full of food for the next day in my home. Lunch with Naruto and Sakura had been… interesting. Naruto wouldn't shut up while talking to the ramen lady and her father. Talking about how he was a super cool ninja that would pass Kakashi's test tomorrow with flying colors. How he managed to talk and eat so much at the same time was beyond me. Sakura and I had barely managed to get a word in edgewise, which I was more than ok with. I was too tired to keep up my emo-persona, and Sakura's voice still had this bizarre high pitched whining sound that I still couldn't place.

I pushed my finger against the bridge of my nose, again trying to adjust a pair of glasses that weren't there. Today had been the first day of what was assumedly the rest of my life. A part of me wanted to find a way back, but a bigger part of me wanted to not colossally fuck everything up more. I was still a 12-year-old genin in this world, I wouldn't be able to learn any inter-dimensional transportation techniques any time soon. It was best to keep my head down and get as strong as I could without breaking the timeline.

I put 3 fully packed bento boxes into the fridge and went to bed. I had a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I was tempted to show up late to spite Kakashi, but old-Sasuke wouldn't have had that knowledge. However, I could play off "I brought lunch for the team." As just being cautious. After all, I also wasn't expected to know how long the test would last.

I close my eyes in my bed, praying to whatever God/gods put me here that they'd give me a bit of a helping hand. I _really_ didn't like the idea of living in a village that ordered the genocide of my entire family.

Author's notes

In case you're wondering the "Is Sasuke white or asian" thing is a tongue in cheek reference to the "Is naruto white or asian" debate that some people like to have.

UPDATE!

So the website decided to fuck with my formatting, and remove any strikethrough text when I uploaded. If you're reading this, that means I fixed it, but I should explain that strikethrough text is used to represent thoughts that old-sasuke would have had but me-sasuke is trying to suppress.

UPDATE 2!

Man fuck this website. It won't let me use strikethorugh text no matter what I do. Instead words that are **(bold)** are meant to be strikethough.


	3. SUGOI

Chapter 3: SUGOI~!

I woke up slowly, rubbing my face as I awoke. I looked over at the beeping alarm and scowled at it. It shone '5 AM' in bright red letters at me, mocking me. Quickly turning it off I got out of bed and performed my morning rituals. Go pee, take a shower, put clothes on, leave the bathroom, realize I forgot to brush my teeth, go back into the bathroom, brush my teeth, leave the bathroom again.

I decided to forgo the bizarre detached sleeve things that 'I' usually wore when getting dressed. They didn't serve a purpose. It wasn't like it was cold here, and they looked stupid. I also didn't style my hair, letting it hang loose around my head. I would never get used to having black hair and eyes, but I could at least make them work without looking like an edgy middle-schooler. I picked up my bag-o'-bentos and took off for the training ground at a light jog.

Once there I looked around. I was early again.

'_Well, shit.' _I thought to myself _'It looks like I'll be waiting even longer than I had hoped. At least I won't be starving.'_ I smirked to myself. I walked over and sat against one of the three poles in the middle of the field and relaxed. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep I heard a shrill voice from across the field.

"Good morning Sasuke-kun~" Sakura greeted me. She was tired, but still annoyingly upbeat and fake.

"Good morning Sakura-chan~" Naruto greeted her. His pleasantly joyful attitude being maintained despite the obvious sleepiness on his **(beautiful)** tired face.

"Ugh, hi Naruto." Sakura rolled her eyes and avoided eye contact with Naruto.

**(She must perish for her transgressions.)**

"Good morning Sakura-san, Naruto-san." I waved at them before sitting down next to one of the posts, trying to remain all business **(despite how sexy Naruto looked when he was tired.)**I grit my teeth; these interruptions were becoming more frequent. Either old-Sasuke was reemerging, or the continued mingling of our souls was causing our personalities to merge as well. Of course, this was all hypothesizing. Maybe there was no 'old-Sasuke' and 'me-Sasuke.' Maybe I _was_ old-Sasuke and I got new memories from someone and had just assumed I was actually that someone in Sasuke's body. What if-

"Sasuke-kun, what happened to your hair?" Sakura asked once she got close enough to see me properly. She looked shocked, "And your cool sleeves are gone too!"

I turned to look at her, was it that big of a deal? Although I suppose in a world where everyone wore the same outfits all the time it might be.

"I didn't feel like doing my hair today." I shrug, trying to be friendly but distant. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right. I had always been more of a loud-mouthed smart-ass than a cool emo-kid in my past life. "It's not a big deal."

"Yeah, I know, I just..." She paused and looked at my loose hair. She pouted softly. "nothing, never mind."

** (That bitch only liked me for my hair!)**

'_That bitch only liked me for my hair!'_

Finally, both sides of my brain/soul agreed on something. I looked at Sakura and shrugged. If she stopped liking me because I changed my hair, then that was just another pro to not do my hair like an ass. Besides, I wouldn't want to date someone shallow enough to not like me for changing my hair anyway. This was a win-win situation as far as I was concerned.

Then I saw her lick her subtly lips.

_'Shit!'_ I swore to myself _'I misread her; she thinks it's hot!'_

I tried not to panic as she sat next to me. "So, what do you think the test will be about Sasuke-kun?" She asked as she rubbed shoulders with me. I simply shrugged in response, looking over to Naruto to see that he was hovering off to the side, clearly wanting to be next to Sakura, but afraid that one of us would react badly if he tried to join us. "He said it was survival training, right? So, does that mean campfires and gathering food and stuff?" She continued.

"Don't know, he'll be here soon anyway, so we should get ready." I lied, standing up.

"Hey, Sasuke, why'd you pack 3 bentos? What, are you trying to get fat?" Naruto asked. I glanced over to see him looking under the flap of my bag. Part of me wanted to be upset, but I couldn't stay mad at Naruto.

** (Oh, I want him to look under more than just my bag's flap)**

_'Now you're just fucking with me. That doesn't even make sense.'_

"Kakashi said we're doing survival training, that could mean anything, and who knows how long it will last. They're rations in case we're out here a long time." I said, brushing him off.

"But then why did you bring three?" Naruto asked, still looking through my bag. I smacked him on the top of the head gently, not enough to hurt him, but enough to let him think I was 'upset' with him.

"Because we're a team now, and I know you two don't take this shit seriously enough to think ahead. So, I packed one for each of you as well. I don't want to be held back by starving teammates." I said, I wanted to bridge the gap between the three of us as soon as possible, but I didn't want to make a complete 180 personality-wise. In a world where genjutsu is a thing, the heir of a multi-billion ryo estate suddenly acting strangely would raise suspicions I didn't want to deal with.

I grabbed a bento and handed it to Naruto. "Eat up, Kakashi's late and lunch just became breakfast."

"But Sasuke-kun, didn't Kakashi-sensei say if we ate breakfast we'd throw up?" Sakura interjected.

"He also said he'd meet us here over half an hour ago. Besides, you're acting like you've never worked out until you puked before." I said, trying to hide a smirk. Sakura needed to be whipped into shape ASAP, and if she 'loved' me as much as she said she did, then some minor shaming tactics would go a long way. She blushed and I pretended to look shocked. "You've… never worked out until you've puked before, have you?" I asked and she blushed harder.

I stepped away from Naruto, who was watching the interaction with a look of confusion. I grabbed another bento out of my bag and handed it to Sakura. "Eat up, if you puke, you wash your mouth out with water and keep going, ok?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. She nodded and took the bento.

I took the last bento for myself and began to eat. It wasn't anything big, I was never much of a cook in either of my lives. Just two riceballs, some cherry tomatoes, and a bottle of water. It was large enough that we wouldn't be starving but small enough that odds are they wouldn't throw up. I remember the 'survival test' in canon was pretty laid back, so long as we showed teamwork we would pass, but I still didn't want to risk them puking mid-combat if I hadn't already managed to botch the timeline. I needed to play as cautiously as possible. I dug into my small meal silently, urging the others to do so as well.

(⌐▨_▨)

"Yo, wazzup," Kakashi said as he finally entered into the clearing.

"You're late!" Naruto and Sakura screamed. I just shrugged.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I was getting catcalled by a bunch of construction workers and I had to teach them how to behave like proper ladies," Kakashi responded

I couldn't help but cock my head at that excuse, _that_ definitely hadn't been part of canon. At least, I didn't think it had.

"Anyway!" I said rather loudly before Naruto and Sakura could call him out for lying. "Now that our glorious leader has arrived, what's this test you were talking about?" I ask.

Naruto and Sakura both glowered at Kakashi as he began explaining the test. He explained that he had two bells and that only the two that managed to get one from him would pass, with the other being sent back to the academy.

"And if none of you can get a bell before noon, then I'll tie you to those posts over there, and make you watch me eat my lunch in front of you. Muahahaha-huh? Why aren't you scared?" He asked when none of us freaked out over the ultimatum.

"We already ate," Naruto explained with a smile. "Your lies won't trick us Kakashi-sensei!"

"Are you saying you disobeyed a direct order from a superior officer?" Kakashi asked, giving Naruto the evil eye.

"Sasuke's the one that brought the food!" He shouted, trying to avoid punishment.

_'Not cool dude.'_ I thought to myself.

Kakashi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Whatever, it's not a big deal."

**(We can't blame Naruto, he's like a fragile dove. He's broken, and we must fix him with some sexual healing.)**

_'Fuck you.'_

**(Fuck you.)**

'_Fuck you.'_

**(Fuck Naruto.)**

'_Fuck you!'_

**(Maybe you're right, don't fuck Naruto.)**

'_Fuc- oh. Well, maybe you're not so-' _

**(Have Naruto fuck us.)**

'_FUCK YOU!'_

I was drawn out of my inner conversation to see Kakashi snapping his fingers in front of me. "You know, ninja usually try to attack their target, not just stare at them."

I stood up to look around, it appeared as though the battle for the bells had begun while I was monologuing with myself. Although was it technically monologuing if there were two of me? Duologuing? Was that a thing? Snapping back to attention I look at Kakashi and shrugged.

"You outrank us severely, there's no way one of us could take you on singlehandedly. However, I can tell that my teammates are watching nearby, which means if I attack you, we'll all get a better understanding of your abilities so we can devise a proper plan when we regroup later.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, apparently having bought my excuse. "Oh, so you'd weaken yourself and give your competition more of a chance to seize the prize?"

"We're not competing against each other until you've been taken out of the picture." I bluff, "You're our primary threat, so until you're defeated, we're still a team. We can squabble over the bells later."

Kakashi raised his one visible eyebrow and I really hoped he was buying my bullshit right now. I turned around and shouted out to the tree line. "You hear that guys!? Still a team for now!" I scream before turning around and rushing Kakashi. I knew that I didn't have a chance to beat him, but I had bluffed that I was testing his abilities, so that's what I had to do.

I dashed towards him and old-Sasuke's instincts took over. I activated my Sharingan and pulled 2 kunai out of my pouch. I threw one at Kakashi in an attempt to throw him off balance before thrusting with the other one. Of course, he masterfully dodged both attacks and managed to leg-sweep me so I landed flat on my ass. I quickly jumped back up and began to perform hand seals.

"Fire Style: Great Fireball no Jutsu!" I shouted as I felt the burning sensation of chakra spiraling out from behind my navel and filling my whole body, the chakra ran to my lungs and I had the sudden urge to breathe out. It felt amazing. If using chakra felt like this, then it was no wonder so many ninjas went power hungry. This was the best I'd felt in my life, I felt like I could jump over the Eiffel tower if I wanted.

Of course, Kakashi dodged out of the way of my fireball as well. I hadn't expected anything different. I blinked and looked around to see where he had gone.

"You may possess the Sharingan, but you still don't know how to use it." I heard him whisper from behind me. I turn around as quickly as possible but before I could react I had received a swift kick to the back, sending me flying across the field where I skidded across the grass before coming to a stop near the treeline. I got up and scowled at the man before falling back into the safety of seclusion.

I made my way through the woods as quickly as I could in search of both Sakura and Naruto. I knew they had to be nearby, but I had been disoriented by Kakashi's kick and lost my sense of direction.

"Naruto! Sakura!" I whisper/yelled. "Get out here!"

After a moment Naruto dropped down from above. He looked me dead in the eyes and squinted. "Did you mean what you said? We're still a team?" He asked.

"Yeah," I nodded. "we need to focus on taking out Kakashi-sensei, once we get the bells we can fight over them, but for now we need to focus on him," I explained

He looked at me for a moment longer before nodding. "Ok, that makes sense, y'know? Do you know where Sakura-chan is?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm all discombobulated from Kakashi-sensei's kick earlier."

"Disco-combo-bilated?" Naruto asked, cocking his head.

**(He's fucking adorable!)**

"Dizzy, let's just say it means I'm dizzy," I say, softly dumbing it down for him.

Naruto blushed, "Oh… I knew that." He grumbled before pointing further into the woods. "I think Sakura-chan's down there somewhere-"

"Eeeeeeeeek!" A shrill voice pierced the silence of the sky from where Naruto was pointing.

"Hurry!" I shout to my **(sexy)** teammate before sprinting towards the scream.

I and Naruto dash through the woods in silence as quickly as we can towards the scream. I didn't know what Kakashi was doing to Sakura, but it probably wouldn't look very "teamwork-y" if we let one of our teammates get knocked out without backup. Then again maybe Kakashi would fail her and let me and Naruto pass. We could be a two-man cell. **(Just me and Naruto… alone.)**

**(After hard training sessions we could give each other massages to relax. On long missions, we could share a tent. Of course, I would 'forget' to pack the proper sleeping bags so we'd have to cuddle together for warmth. I would look longingly into his eyes as we pressed together and slowly lean in before-)**

'_FOCUS DAMNIT!'_

Breaking out of the tree line me and Naruto came across a rather curious sight. Sakura was making out with a nearby oak tree and was grinding against it suggestively. She moaned loudly as she ran her tongue up and down the bark of the tree.

"Mnnng, Ohhhh~ Unf~ Sasuke-kun~, OF COURSE, I'll marry you~" She moaned as she continues to molest the innocent tree.

Me and Naruto just looked and stared in horror for at least 5 minutes as Sakura tried to make sweet love to vegetation. If I thought Sasuke needed therapy, that tree was going to need a friendly tree police officer to ask it to point on the stuffed teddy bear where the mean lady had touched it.

"It's called Angelic Illusion: Heavenly Viewing no Jutsu." A voice came from behind us. It was Kakashi, he too was staring at Sakura in a slight sense of confusion. "I didn't think I put that much chakra into the jutsu though; I guess she's just extra sensitive to genjutsu.

Me and Naruto both turned to look at the man, then to each other, then back to Sakura, then back to Kakashi.

"You should probably go help her." He hinted softly.

"Not it!" Naruto shouted before I could even think to respond. I frowned at him but sighed and nodded before making the long journey out into the field.

I placed a hand on Sakura's shoulder and ran a pulse of my chakra through her system, breaking her of the genjutsu. She blinked several times before stepping back and looked at the tree. She frowned and began to make "Pteh, pteh!" sounds as she spat any traces of bark off of her lips and tongue. Placing her hands on her knees, Sakura bent over. "Oh man, that was bad, thank the gods Sasuke-kun wasn't here to see tha- aaaaah! Sasuke-kun! W-what are- how long have you been standing there?" She asked.

I shrugged. "Long enough, you must be really hungry if the genjutsu made you want to eat a tree," I said, trying to help her save face.

"Y-yeah, hehe! G-guess that bento didn't fill me up as much as I thought it would, ha!" She tried to laugh it off, although her face was as red as a tomato.

"Whatever, never mind that. Let's meet back up with Naruto and make a plan." I said, trying to change the subject as quickly as possible.

"Yahoooooooo!" Me and Sakura heard from nearby. We turned around to see Naruto dry humping another tree, and licking it. "Ooooh~ Unf~ Sakura-chan~, OF COURSE, I'll marry you!"

The sound of my palm hitting my face was most likely audible from the other side of the multiverse. I let out a loud sigh.

"Hold on a second," I whispered to Sakura before I walked towards Naruto.

(⌐▨_▨)

Author's Note

Sorry it took so long to update this thing, but I wasn't kidding when I said that UN:PoA was going to be my priority. However, since I'm still waiting on my beta for that story I decided to push out something for this one too. That being said I still hope you enjoyed this chapter.


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